IS STONEWALLING AFFECTING OUR RELATIONSHIP?

Even the healthiest relationships will have some conflict from time to time but it is how you handle those disagreements that can determine whether it helps or harms your relationship.

When you and your partner are faced with a disagreement or conflict, are you able to calmy work through it or does one partner stonewall you, or give the silent treatment?

Although stonewalling may seem like a harmless way to deal with problems in your relationship, it can really have a harmful emotional effect on a relationship. For the person being stonewalled, it can leave them feeling confused, hurt, isolated and angry.  It can create trust issues and resentment, decrease intimacy, and hamper a person’s mental and physical health.  The person stonewalling also suffers as they are denying themselves emotional intimacy with their partner and the ability to resolve issues properly in the relationship, often causing great conflict in the long run and potentially a complete breakdown of the relationship.

What does it mean to stonewall someone?

Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person. Stonewalling is often quite noticeable in relationships but there are times when stonewalling may go unnoticed—especially if neither partner is aware of their behaviours.

A person can stonewall in several different ways but often includes avoiding conflicts and argument in the following types of ways:

·       Abruptly stop responding to you or give you the ‘silent treatment’ including refusing to respond to your texts or phone calls.

·       Interrupt or otherwise prevent you from completing your sentences or thoughts.

·       Pretend not to hear you.

·       Turn away from you while you are speaking, avoiding eye contact.

·       Walk out in the middle of a conversation without warning or an explanation.

·       Begin engaging in other activities or acting busy while you are trying to speak.

·       Dismiss your concerns about things.

·   Get very defensive and may have passive-aggressive type behaviours when you raise concern.

·       Change the subject or make accusations to avoid an issue.

·       Declare the conversation ‘over.”

·       Often have a hard time admitting they are wrong or saying sorry.

·       Often deflect any responsibility and blame you rather than discussing the issue.

Is stonewalling different from gaslighting?

Stonewalling is often unintentional behaviour that has been learned by a person often as a type of defence mechanism due to previous unpleasant past emotional or physical reactions, or simply because your partner is not able to express how they feel, so they just shut down or avoid. However, gaslighting is a deliberate effort to manipulate and hurt others. It is an intentional form of emotional abuse.

How do we deal with stonewalling in our relationship?

If stonewalling is occurring between you and your partner and affecting your relationship, our counsellors can help you discuss your relationship issues, understand the negative impact of this response, learn how to communicate more effectively with each other and better handle the differences in your relationship.